Intimacy and Dating

Dating offers single older people romance, the most exciting form of intimacy for most people regardless of their age. At its best, dating can boost an older person's self-confidence and offer the potential for happiness and companionship at a stage when, for many, the prospects for either are uncertain. At its worst, dating can obliterate self-confidence. But dating can be as thrilling, nerve-wracking, and complicated after age 65 as it was at age 25, in part because older people can be just as interesting, smart, attractive, and complex—or boring, selfish, and superficial—as younger people.

Older people are faced with unique issues surrounding dating. Single older people bring with them a longer history of past relationships than do younger people. Dating can remind an older person of the strengths and deficiencies of past relationships and can open or heal old wounds. Also, the playing field for older people is not as level as it is for younger people. Because men tend to die at a younger age, women greatly outnumber men. Older women, therefore, have greater difficulty finding partners. This imbalance in the number of men and women is further compounded when eligible older men find younger partners.

The importance of dating and romance changes as people age. Older women may not consider romantic companionship as essential for a sense of security and well-being and, therefore, may feel no need to date. A sense of loyalty to deceased partners or to other family members, issues surrounding feelings about the appropriateness of dating, and satisfaction with the independence that comes with one's later years all may contribute to this feeling. Some widows who were caregivers for their husbands avoid new relationships for fear of again needing to provide care for an ill or dying man. Some women turn toward younger men.

Care and companionship may be more essential for older men. They may want the pleasures of a serious relationship in their retirement after years of putting their career first. They may not be used to the day-to-day responsibilities involved in caring for themselves and seek a companion's help. They may fear not having a physical relationship with a woman and seek a companion for that reason, yet worry about the long-term commitment that a physical relationship implies. There are however, many exceptions to these characterizations.

Bodily changes that accompany aging influence self-image and the sense of sexuality that women and men bring to dating, although in different ways. Older women who have seen their hair turn gray, their skin develop wrinkles, their legs develop varicose veins, and their breasts and buttocks lose their former shape may fear they are no longer attractive. They may worry about the potential embarrassment or discomfort of intercourse given these and other physical changes. These fears may inhibit them in social settings, in which they could meet a potential partner, or cause them to end a promising early relationship for fear it could become physical. Older men who have lost muscle mass and strength may have similar fears but tend to focus less on their physical appearance. Instead, they tend to focus more on their physical functioning, that is, on their ability to develop and maintain an erection and to reestablish themselves as capable sexual performers in a mutually satisfying physical relationship.

The settings in which older single people meet differ from those of their youth. The social contexts of school and work, which facilitate opportunities to meet new people, are not available to most older people. Instead, social opportunities usually come from within religious and retirement communities and from shared interests, such as travel or sports and fitness. Some older people meet at school and college reunions, finding new partners among long-time acquaintances and friends. The opportunity to develop intimacy within established or familiar rather than new relationships is important to some older people. Finding such social opportunities can be difficult for older people who have relocated to be near their adult children, especially for those who live with their children.

Finally, health issues, which are rarely a factor in the younger dating population, affect nearly all older people. Health issues may inhibit older people from even imagining themselves with new partners and may affect the way in which they express intimate feelings with a partner. In general, the effects of illness on intimacy are complex and depend on the specific illness, the treatment involved, and the person's body image and attitude. Illness may weaken the bonds of intimacy, although in some cases, the limitations or needs of a person with a medical condition can be a focus of understanding, caring, and increased intimacy within a relationship.