Intimacy and Sex

Intimacy can occur without sex, and sex can occur without intimacy. Sex is a physical expression of intimacy that is important to many older couples. There is no age at which sexual activity is inappropriate. People who enjoyed sex in their younger years are likely to desire it no matter what their age. But sex may be dispensable to others, who may find it less of a priority or physically difficult or who found it unenjoyable or emotionally complicated in their younger years. Instead, some older people find that just having someone to sit with, converse with, hold hands with, or hug and kiss is sufficiently delightful. They may find that pleasures more lasting than sex can be had in the sharing of their daily lives with each other, including the pleasures of family, friends, and new experiences.

Some older people worry that their children might disapprove of their having a sexual relationship and thus avoid discussing the issue. Although avoiding discussion may seem to temporarily solve the problem, it can distance an older person from the very people who could be most supportive of the vigor and intensity of the growing relationship. Other older people simply conclude that they do not need the approval of their children and tell them about the change in their life without guilt or shame.

Many factors may contribute to the shift in emphasis from sex to other expressions of intimacy. Levels of sex hormones decrease in men and women as they grow older, which result in physical changes that can make sexual intercourse uncomfortable or difficult. In addition, some medical conditions as well as the drugs used to treat these conditions can hamper the ability to have and enjoy sexual intercourse. Decreased hormone levels, especially testosterone, may reduce sex drive (libido) as well. Fear of being infected by microorganisms that can cause sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), including human immunodeficiency virus (HIV), chlamydia, and herpes, may inhibit older people from having sex with new or less familiar partners. Although STDs are less common in older than in younger people, age does not protect against such diseases as AIDS (caused by HIV). STDs can almost always be prevented with the use of condoms. Some older people may wish to avoid sex altogether rather than take any risk of contracting an infection.

Some older couples adjust for the physical changes that occur with aging by engaging in mutual masturbation and oral sex rather than intercourse. Masturbation and oral sex provide prolonged, direct stimulation that many older people find necessary for orgasm without the discomfort or awkwardness that they may experience with intercourse. In addition, some unmarried older people believe that masturbation or oral sex is more acceptable than sexual intercourse outside of marriage. Other older people may consider oral sex unnatural and develop satisfying alternatives to achieve intimacy.

Attraction, admiration, respect, and communication between compatible partners are the foundation for satisfying relationships at any age. Healthy physical intimacy, from hand holding to sexual intercourse, or other forms of sexual expression may follow from these key elements.