Intimacy and Families

Not surprisingly, families can influence older people's relationships in both negative and positive ways.

Children can discourage and hinder an older parent's ability to form new relationships. Children stereotypically have a difficult time imagining their parents being intimate (especially sexually) under any circumstances and may be displeased and uncomfortable when an older single parent seeks or discovers a new partner. There may be many reasons for this discomfort. Children may have legitimate concerns about the character or motives of a new partner. They may equate a parent's new relationship with the betrayal of a deceased or divorced parent with whom they strongly identify. Or they may be upset that their parent is not upholding the mores that they have learned and adopted for themselves.

Sometimes, children are concerned about the financial consequences of a parent's new relationship. They worry that the money they had expected to inherit might go to a new spouse or partner. These matters are best discussed so that fears about money do not damage relationships. If need be, a lawyer can help protect assets in accordance with a person's wishes. Avoiding the issue, however, is bound to cause problems.

Children can also be a tremendous source of support to their parents. They can help parents through periods of bereavement and help them feel comfortable with finding new partners among peers. Emotional stimulation from spending time or talking with children may help parents overcome the social isolation that may result from physical frailty, depression, or other conditions. Children may also provide physical support, such as transportation, by which an older parent can get to and from social functions. Further, children can encourage older parents and their partners to move forward in a relationship. They can promote a sense of belonging and family between a parent and partner by including both in their own family's events.

Older people bring their own family-related inhibitions to relationships. Like their children, widows and widowers may remain fiercely loyal to deceased partners. They may believe strongly that their relationships with their children and grandchildren should supersede all others. They may fear that their children or other family members will react negatively to their "taking up" with someone new at their age, thus ruling out that possibility. Also, they may imitate the behavior of their own older single parents in eras when dating and intimacy among older people were not encouraged or discussed.

Sharing primary parenting responsibilities for grandchildren and other young family members is increasingly common in Western societies. This "second parenthood" brings new challenges to developing intimate relationships with new partners. Older people in these situations may feel that they have neither the time nor the energy to invest in a new relationship. In addition, they may feel that dating is irresponsible when their family requires their attention. Also, potential partners may be turned off by the older person's child-care responsibilities. Further, the presence of children may complicate attempts of willing partners to find the privacy necessary for physical intimacy.