Intimacy in Gay Relationships

Relatively little is known about the nature of dating and intimacy as it evolves over time in the relationships of older gay (homosexual) men and women. Although older gay people experience the same bodily changes with aging and many of the same emotions as do older straight (heterosexual) people, they may also face unique challenges, such as the loss of a partner through HIV infection and a higher risk of social isolation.

The high prevalence of HIV infection among gay men increases the likelihood that many older men in gay relationships will be affected. HIV infection can alter intimacy in several ways. As the infection progresses, the healthy partner may have to assume the role of caregiver for the ill partner. Also, the healthy partner must take physical precautions against infection. The fatigue, poor health, and drug side effects that the partner with HIV infection may experience can lead to a loss of sexual desire and a change in body image. All of these stresses can be made worse when the healthy long-term partner is not even acknowledged as a legitimate guardian, caregiver, grieving partner, or beneficiary. Indeed, the stress that HIV infection places on a relationship can even drive some couples apart.

Establishing intimate relationships can be difficult for older single gay people independent of HIV-related issues. For example, although the opportunities to meet new partners may abound in larger gay communities, they are much more limited within smaller communities. Also, emotional intimacy may be more difficult to find within gay communities of any size when those communities value youth, strength, physical beauty, and sexual performance over maturity, which is often the case. Fortunately, the evolution of the gay community has created a much stronger and more integrated community for older gay men and women.

Absence of children and grandchildren means that older gay people are likely to be even more alone as they get older. Many find substitutes for these relationships in nieces, nephews, and younger men and women in their community.

Older gay people, like older straight people, may ultimately require residence in a long-term care facility. The prospects of finding adequate expression of sexual identity and intimacy in such facilities are poor, but a few gay-oriented assisted living communities do exist.